How do I do this?
For a while now, I’ve flat out struggled to be an emotionally open person. Anyone who knows me well enough reading this is probably reading this and nodding with a smile, as it’s pretty common knowledge. I’d always rather be taking care of someone else or something rather than myself. I am an open heart to vent to, but when it comes to things I’m struggling with, half of the struggle is simply stating that I need help.
Being a Scorpio makes it easy to joke that being secretive is simply my nature, and maybe it is but it’s also an emotional cop-out. I’m the oldest of 4 kids, again, another excuse. I spend most of my childhood playing “the new kid” ah maybe that’s something worth thinking about
Then again, I have a lot of military family friends who experienced the same thing I did. Maybe they struggle with this too, maybe I’m just the one who internalized it.
Either way, for years I used these excuses to continue to not focus on my needs (you see how this created a vicious cycle?) and finally after a number of blowouts with people I really care about, I realized I need to change something. Because shutting down doesn’t leave you not caring, it leaves you angry, distant and alone.
In February of 2018, I started seeing a therapist. And then I ghosted her.
I started back up with another one in about April, stuck with her for a bit, and then again ghosted her back in August.
In November I started seeing Jeremy (Therapist), whom I’ve managed to stick with so far. Granted he did make me promise I wouldn’t ghost him.
You may be asking yourself, why would a person ghost a therapist? Well, that’s a great question. And is pretty indicative of how hard it is for me to be 100% open to another person. Even one who’s only job is to sit, listen and not judge. What I discovered was:
While ending things with a therapist is totally fine to do, if you feel they aren’t working well with you (which they weren’t)
BUT ghosting a therapist is only indicative of a mentality of someone who would rather quit than deal with her own issues.
And suddenly the hair-brained decisions I make start to come together.
What does this all mean? Well, I’m trying, and one of the way’s I’m going to start trying is now that I’ve broken my fear of therapy, I want to keep practicing being open and authentic. I decided on a blog because I’m a writer at heart. I can write with more truth than I can sometimes articulate face to face. And maybe by opening up about some of this stuff, I can start a conversation with someone else who’s struggling. AND deep down I’m asking for help because I’m not very good at it. I don’t know what any of this looks like, and maybe it’s more self-serving than anything. But right now I don’t think I care.
“So what kinds of things will you be talking about, Lauren?” That’s a great question ambiguous voice in my head.
Things I’m going to start sharing about
My problems with exercise
Women’s health and how it relates to my 12 years of hellfire PMS.
Sharks and why I love them so so much (OTHER THAN THEIR CUTE FACES)
My goal is that something speaks to someone. And that forcing myself to open up in a public way will help my ability to converse face to face about certain things.
Sidebar: I have a Masters Degree in Art Activism, I can almost guarantee there will be some sort of social-political opinion I hold on each and any of these topics. I’m not going to apologize for say, supporting Planned Parenthood or speaking on the issue of Body shaming. Everything I do relates to the political and social opinions I hold to be true, and this isn’t a forum for trying to argue with me about it otherwise. Additionally, I’ve been a God fearing woman since the age of 6. Jesus will be mentioned, and I’m not apologetic of that either, nor will I argue about my spiritual beliefs and practices.
(If somebody would like to speak to me in a private manner about my political or spiritual beliefs, you may do by reaching out to me personally [i.e. text me/ face to face]. If you don’t have access to me personally, I’m not going to discuss these things with you.)
Let's see where this goes?